Love, Thy Name be Herschel

Recently , Salmon X has been pondering the true meaning of his love for Tennessee, football in particular.

Ironically, what started his mind churning lately on this subject is a fact that he is almost ashamed to admit. You see... Salmon X's love for the Savage Orange runs very deep... But, what has been troubling him as of late is the fact that his favorite college football player of all time never wore the Orange. In fact, he wore the jersey of one of the Big Orange's most hated rivals.

Georgia, the 'Dawgs, the Bulldogs as they are known, produced the most prolific and exciting (in Salmon X's opinion) college running back we will ever witness in our lifetimes... Yes, everyone reading this knows who I am referring to... for this article's purpose, he will be referred to simply as "Herschel" ...

It all started when Salmon X was an up-and-coming tyke at Salmon X Middle School. Like most kids of his age, he liked sports and luckily had a subscription to Sports Illustrated, the premier sporting magazine in a pre-internet era. One lazy Fall day, young Salmon X was reading through "The Faces in the Crowd" section, as usual. He was about to put the magazine down when he remembered the reason he had started reading it in the first place, a running back named Herschel was on the cover. He remembered Herschel as the running back who literally ran over a Tennessee defender a few weeks earlier on the way to a 16-15 win in Knoxville. So, he thought, I'll read about this mere mortal who is doing all of these amazing things.

Salmon X pored through the pages, truly inspired by what he was reading. Page after page he read, marveling at the humble story of a youngster from tiny Wrightsville, GA who in a matter of a few months had captured the nation's imagination. Young Salmon X's brain began churning.

Based on his reading, young Salmon X devised a plan to emulate Herschel. 30 push ups and sit ups every 5 minutes until reaching 300 on each. Salmon X kept a log of his progress. Reaching the "Herschel 300" regimen after several months of toiling with his nose 1 inch from the floor, he pushed on. It was during this time that Salmon X's older sibling referred to his arms as "steel cable's" .

Sadly, Salmon X knew nothing of moderation even at this young age. He must do more, he thought. Once reaching 300 push-ups and sit-ups, he refused to stop. Up and down, Up and down... 350, then 400. Never allowing his muscles to rest and grow. But, this isn't the point.

Herschel will always hold a special place in Salmon X's world. But, the reason why is still unclear, or is it?. After all, Herschel had single handedly beaten his beloved Orange that year and went on to help steamroll them the next year, 44-0.

Now grown and having been able to deduce what has occurred in his mediocre, yet somewhat effervescent life, Salmon X knows the reason. More than just being a truly magnificent player, Herschel was a throw-back to the Good Ol' Days. A player who would show up first for film day. Show up on time or first for practice. Don't believe me? Just ask Vince Dooley. A player who seemed genuine and did not seem to be a showboat. A down to earth player who was as humble as they come. Salmon X now knows this is the reason he has always appreciated the one and only Herschel.

In Oooh and I,

--Salmon X

Full Set of Gear

X recounts his few days practicing with the University of Tennessee Volunteers:

I had a full set of gear, but don't recall if the jersey was orange or not.

I know I had SALMON X written in black magic marker, on white duct tape, on the front of my helmet -- so the scholarship players knew which dullard they were nailing during the drills.

I guess the highlight was getting reamed out (see note below) by Jim Bates (current Green Bay Packer defensive coordinator) because I didn't do something correctly in the linebacker drills. He was the Dolphins interim coach last year for a while I think. Shon Walker tackled me almost full speed during a half speed drill with all of the players cheering as he hurtled me backwards into the dirt.

I did actually get in some tackles in a scrimmage and believe I tackled Chuck Webb or one of the all-star running backs once (maybe Tony Thompson?).

Another semi highlight that second day was seriously being scared they were going to call my name during the drill where you have one blocker and one runner -- going against a defender. It's called the gaunlet or something. They had lineman as the runners, etc. There were some tremendous collisions. The loudest, most ferocious hits I've ever witnessed in my life.

I really just did two days of spring practice. This was after three months of winter drills/weightlifting with Mark Moore.

Note: He said something like X, do you think I'm doing this for my health! because he had to repeat the drill to me or something. I am almost certain that was his exact quote. Keep in mind he had no idea who I was other than that duct tape saying SALMON X in big bold dullard lettering.

Game Plan for Success

Recently, Salmon X was asked to comment on the subject of child-rearing on the off-chance that he sired a son:

"Well, I admit I would try my best to get the lil' feller interested in some kind of sport and if he decided football was gonna be his meal plan from 18-22, I would try my best to coach him through the years. I would try to pump up his confidence. But, at the same time, if he asked at age 8 what I think his chances of going pro some day are, I would have to be a realist with him.

I would tell him Hard work (ok, sometimes genes do, too) determines how successful you are at life and sports.

I think that is a fairly honest assessment...

The only catch to this is that they've proven with practice you can only drop 10% (I think) off your 40 yard dash time. So, if the youngster had modest 4.9 speed at tight end, with practice, could become a 4.7. We all know anybody can get big in the weight room, for the most part. Speed is what separates the great athletes from the good because for the most part you can only drop 10% off your 40 time no matter how much you practice.

That would be hard for an 8 year old to understand so I don't think I would mention it though...

Speed is just one piece of the pie, but it is a large piece (with whipped topping also).

Now, to kind of argue against what I just said. I'm convinced the reason Todd Collins went so far in the Pros was that regimen his dad (coach at Jefferson County when they were state champs all those years) put him through. It was some kind of regimen that he found out about from Russian weightlifters and athletes in the 1980s. When I walked on at UT, I witnessed Todd Collins on the vertical jump test. He had the highest standing verticle jump of anybody on the team. It was like 44-46 inches or something... and he ran about a 4.6 or 4.5 40 yard dash roughly--strong as an ox--(or a peppermint patty)..."

Words to live by from the Coach --- Coach X.

Stickin' Up for the Knoxville Boys

One of our long-time coleagues and hopefully a future contributor, Dim, had a bone to pick with ESPN columnist over his recent article entitled Fulmer's program may be coming to a crossroads. A transcript of their correspondence follows:

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From: ESPN4D@aol.com [mailto:ESPN4D@aol.com]
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2005 3:30 PM
To: [Dim]
Subject: Re: Agree but Why was Article not about Pete Carroll

[Dim]:

Thanks for writing. I don't agree with Pete Carroll's attitude. However, we're talking about two players and an in-team fight. In Tennessee's case we're talking about 11 players, including four arrests THIS WEEK, including two felony charges, including attacks on smaller individuals from the general student body. I'd say what is happening at Tennessee is a whole lot worse.

Pat Forde

---
From: [Dim]
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2005 2:15 PM
To: ESPN4D@aol.com [mailto:ESPN4D@aol.com]
Subject: Agree but Why was Article not about Pete Carroll

Mr. Forde,

I just read your article on Phil Fulmer and his soft discipline. I agree that these players need to be reprimanded harshly when it comes to physically harming other people, but you seem to be taking an easy kick at someone who is down. I think kicking out James Banks, the previously most gifted athlete on their team, weakens your point that Fulmer is the neighborhood grandma. How/why did you not take issue with Pete Carroll’s remark made Wednesday in response to one of his players breaking the jaw of another? Carroll said, “… I'm sorry that somebody got hurt but other than that it's not a big deal. They're fine about it."

Mr. Forde, are we to understand that you feel Fulmer’s been too lax and therefore his players are out of control? Fulmer’s punishment WAS worse than just having the players run up the stadium steps (a sarcastic slap-on-the-wrist that ironically is much harsher than the punishment Carroll was going to dole out) …the Tennessee players have been kicked off the team, contrary to what you reported. Again, Pete Carroll better reflects the type of coach you are describing. However, it seems like you are using his actions (none) and pasting them on Fulmer, therefore bolstering your point of no discipline leads to jaw breaking/face caving. Please help me understand if I am not seeing the Southern Cal player breaking a jaw as being okay versus the Tennessee player.

Thanks for reading my response,
[Dim]

Spaghetti Dinner

This posting is a (more or less) transcription of Salmon X's response to an invitation to a fundraising luncheon put on by a local Lutheran high school. The fundraiser will consist of a spaghetti dinner, followed by a silent auction of sports memorabilia. X's disconnected and somewhat agitated response provides a rare glimpse of the storm that rages within.

---

[name],

Hello there, this is Salmon X from Halls Crossroads, Tennessee. I understand you are having a fundraiser for the Lutheran High School coming up. I have several questions as I was going to attempt to attend this function. I view high school athletics as an important cornerstone of every youth's life.

In my case, however, I was persecuted by the high school coach at the time for my religious beliefs. You see, I was a Seventh Day Adventist at the time, [name]. I hope you do not follow in my coach's footsteps. This traumatic experience led me into a hole in the ground (down by that hump over the hill) that it took a while for me to climb out of. You can take one look at the life I lead now, [name], to discover I came out of that hole with some ugly looking scars.

But, that's beside the point.

I don't really know how to say this other than just saying it. These youths need a leader, [name], and from what I hear from some of the "others" in [place], I'm not sure if you're up to the task. We have heard rumors and I'll just leave it at that. Now, I want to try to put aside our differences [name], as I want to come to the event and help these youths. So, I have a few questions:

1) Are you against a former Seventh Day Adventist coming to this Lutheran event?

2) What about a current Baptist?

3) When you said it's at Well's Brothers, did you mean to insert the letters -M-, -A- and -X- before Well's?

4) On these silent auction items, those autographed items I gave you from my high school gridiron days ****I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE**** are not going to be included in the auction. I gave these items to you [name] as more than just "collectors items"... I gave those to you more along the lines of being "sentimental keepsakes"... I thought and hope you still do understand. However, I will allow you to put these items in a glass-enclosed display case (READ: NON-AUCTION SITE) for the parents/youths to gaze at in awe/disgust (depending on which facial expressions you have of me in the case).

Now, let me know when you're sending my ticket and I'll stay in your basement that night before I drive back home.

See ya then (or sooner),
Salmon X

20th Anniversary of Tarpinator

The following post was submitted by a long-time friend of all the V.I.P. alums, John Gardner:

PRESS RELEASE
12-15-2004

Since the 20th anniversary of Tarpinator is upon us, Mr. Gooden (aka Lit'l Jimmy) and I recently discussed the idea of giving Tarpinator its due respects by re-releasing the footage on DVD and giving Tarp a home on the web, plus the far-fetched idea of shooting some new material.

Anyway, since the tapes are so old, we're going to spend some serious money ($29.95) and buy the best 4-head Hi-Fi VHS player available on the market to handle this delicate transfer properly.

Also in the news, Mr. Gooden has recently landed a vintage Tarpinator T-shirt that somehow found its way back home after being in Ohio for the past 10 years, so we'll be using it as reference for a batch of new Lit'l Jimmy T's!

Police Blotter

October 21, 1997, 3:35pm – Complaint: Female student reported to UT Police that she was being followed by a male, with book bag, the whole morning, from one class to the next. The male, apparently did not have a class or destination all morning, other than to follow her from the dorms at Presidential Court, all the way to Dougherty Engineering for her psychology class. "It wouldn’t have been anything alarming, except for the extreme effort and devotion he put into following me", she said. The female later admitted to wearing running shorts with "nothing on underneath". All charges against the male, who was in his seventh year as an undergrad, were dismissed. He was only a warning was given”

Ladies Night

The following posting was submitted by one of our avid readers. The names and original story have been altered slightly to protect the innocent.

While I was in situation omitted, a group of us "cool people" would go out every Thursday night (guess why Thursday... urrs, Ladies, lovely ladies) to Copper Cellar on the Strip. So, one night, crowded as usual, some girl comes up to me and asks if I could help her out with a bachelorette party. Before knowing what I was really agreeing to, I said "Urrs" (Yes). So, she leads me over to this table full of girls (all good looking, super successful dark haired types, with one blond). The one blond girl comes up to me and whispers that she needs to swap her bra for my underwear. Now, Cary Grant that I am, luckily I just so happened to have on a pair of (the only pair I've ever owned of) "cool guy" boxers like from an Abercrombie and Fitch ad), that name withheld had given me for Valentine's Day, that particular year... plus I had just taken a shower and they were fresh and clean. So, with all that in mind, she and I went downstairs to the bathrooms, and when came back out and gave each other our underwear. That girl was name withheld. I knew her, she may or may not have known me. I acted like I didn't care and had to get back to my friends. See ya.

Roadblocks

Anyone who grew up in the Knoxville, Tennessee area around the mid/late 80's will surely remember Tony's VIP. It was an under 18 "club", the likes of which knoxville had never seen and hasn't since, for the under 18 crowd, I'm guessing. It was truly a special time for all.

From Rockwood Queenies to Sunday night roadblocks, Tony's VIP offered a lot of potential for the average high school reamer to venture out and meet some lovelies from the other area high schools.

Sadly, for the Oooh Crew, as we came to be known, we never quite harnessed our ability at this time. Too content with numbers and statistics, we watched one night as one of our own, Ronnie "Rockin' R" Davis approached 43 girls, only to get shot down 40 times. Ronnie, sadly deceased now, gave it his all. I really have to hand it to him -- he got 3 yes's.

That's all that really matters...

At the time, this local venue was also the site of several tribute tour bands.

If anyone remembers the heyday of this locale (which is now the Volvo dealer in town), feel free to leave your comments below...

Many more blogs will follow on a range of topics from UT football to life in general. I am going to try to style this blog after Seinfeld, the show about nothing. So, here you have it --the blog about nothing.

Talk to you soon,
Salmon X

Hello There!

This is the inaugural posting on Tony's V.I.P., the personal blog of the one and only Mr. Scottie, aka Salmon X.

In the upcoming months, expect to see articles expounding on Mr. Scottie's theories and philosophies on life, love, success, and a host of other topics.