Spaghetti Dinner
This posting is a (more or less) transcription of Salmon X's response to an invitation to a fundraising luncheon put on by a local Lutheran high school. The fundraiser will consist of a spaghetti dinner, followed by a silent auction of sports memorabilia. X's disconnected and somewhat agitated response provides a rare glimpse of the storm that rages within.
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[name],
Hello there, this is Salmon X from Halls Crossroads, Tennessee. I understand you are having a fundraiser for the Lutheran High School coming up. I have several questions as I was going to attempt to attend this function. I view high school athletics as an important cornerstone of every youth's life.
In my case, however, I was persecuted by the high school coach at the time for my religious beliefs. You see, I was a Seventh Day Adventist at the time, [name]. I hope you do not follow in my coach's footsteps. This traumatic experience led me into a hole in the ground (down by that hump over the hill) that it took a while for me to climb out of. You can take one look at the life I lead now, [name], to discover I came out of that hole with some ugly looking scars.
But, that's beside the point.
I don't really know how to say this other than just saying it. These youths need a leader, [name], and from what I hear from some of the "others" in [place], I'm not sure if you're up to the task. We have heard rumors and I'll just leave it at that. Now, I want to try to put aside our differences [name], as I want to come to the event and help these youths. So, I have a few questions:
1) Are you against a former Seventh Day Adventist coming to this Lutheran event?
2) What about a current Baptist?
3) When you said it's at Well's Brothers, did you mean to insert the letters -M-, -A- and -X- before Well's?
4) On these silent auction items, those autographed items I gave you from my high school gridiron days ****I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE**** are not going to be included in the auction. I gave these items to you [name] as more than just "collectors items"... I gave those to you more along the lines of being "sentimental keepsakes"... I thought and hope you still do understand. However, I will allow you to put these items in a glass-enclosed display case (READ: NON-AUCTION SITE) for the parents/youths to gaze at in awe/disgust (depending on which facial expressions you have of me in the case).
Now, let me know when you're sending my ticket and I'll stay in your basement that night before I drive back home.
See ya then (or sooner),
Salmon X
---
[name],
Hello there, this is Salmon X from Halls Crossroads, Tennessee. I understand you are having a fundraiser for the Lutheran High School coming up. I have several questions as I was going to attempt to attend this function. I view high school athletics as an important cornerstone of every youth's life.
In my case, however, I was persecuted by the high school coach at the time for my religious beliefs. You see, I was a Seventh Day Adventist at the time, [name]. I hope you do not follow in my coach's footsteps. This traumatic experience led me into a hole in the ground (down by that hump over the hill) that it took a while for me to climb out of. You can take one look at the life I lead now, [name], to discover I came out of that hole with some ugly looking scars.
But, that's beside the point.
I don't really know how to say this other than just saying it. These youths need a leader, [name], and from what I hear from some of the "others" in [place], I'm not sure if you're up to the task. We have heard rumors and I'll just leave it at that. Now, I want to try to put aside our differences [name], as I want to come to the event and help these youths. So, I have a few questions:
1) Are you against a former Seventh Day Adventist coming to this Lutheran event?
2) What about a current Baptist?
3) When you said it's at Well's Brothers, did you mean to insert the letters -M-, -A- and -X- before Well's?
4) On these silent auction items, those autographed items I gave you from my high school gridiron days ****I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE**** are not going to be included in the auction. I gave these items to you [name] as more than just "collectors items"... I gave those to you more along the lines of being "sentimental keepsakes"... I thought and hope you still do understand. However, I will allow you to put these items in a glass-enclosed display case (READ: NON-AUCTION SITE) for the parents/youths to gaze at in awe/disgust (depending on which facial expressions you have of me in the case).
Now, let me know when you're sending my ticket and I'll stay in your basement that night before I drive back home.
See ya then (or sooner),
Salmon X
posted by thchalm at 9:49 PM
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